Taco Bell's New A.M. Crunchwrap
Yes, it's the dawning of a new age where Taco Bell now serves breakfast or as they dub it 'first meal'! My, first meal indeed! If you haven't recently woken up from a night of regrets or as the cool kids call it 'partying' you need to get yourself to the nearest club and order yourself $100 worth of drinks! Okay, maybe like $200 because, realistically, nowadays only $100 will get a girl tipsy and we need white-girl-wasted for this.
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Waking up from 'partying' or making a series of regrettable decisions you'll need to fully assess the situation. Where are your clothes (anyone who parties wakes up naked), where are you? Is your wallet/ purse around? Do you have any smaller bills? You should have some smaller bills because any self respecting bartender would sooner mock you than be handed a one for a tip. If you're truly clever you'd have gotten your slut on with some rando and then forced him to give you "cab fair" in which you turned around and made out with another rando whom obviously offered you a ride back home (DON'T INVITE HIM UP, gross). Stumble out of the car but coherently enough he doesn't need to offer you any unnecessary assistance aka a reason to have sex with you. That isn't what this is about.
So, find yourself the next morning half naked on the couch preferably with a slice of pizza somewhere near your face. Immediately wake up and announce your decrepit state to your cats, or in my case my brother's cats. They inevitably hear your feeble cries. Announce you need food and if your brother loves you or your cats know any better they'll suggest the new A.M. Crunchwrap. Proceed to Taco Bell 10 minutes before they stop serving breakfast, I think it's 9, wtf. We probably should try the 'new' drink: Mountain Dew mixed with orange juice. Just kidding, we don't completely hate ourselves! Do the Dew.
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I don't even know how to describe the A.M. Crunchwrap. I don't even know what's inside it. The only thing I can answer for sure is that it's magical. Glorious. And probably disgusting if you ate this on a regular basis or any right state of mind. These are guidelines, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life; go ahead and be disgusting I'll judge you from afar and know that I'm secretly envious. I feel that, as people, we build artificial fences. Fences we cannot cross. Walls we find impenetrable. There is literally no explanation as to why we've built these monstrosities. It's a rule. We don't question it. Mountain Dew and orange juice for breakfast? Rule: we cannot consume this. (On the grounds it's probably disgusting; but work with me here there's a larger metaphor). Why not? Why can't we be disgusting? I might have said I never eat Taco Bell; but those were just words and you'll probably find me there Sunday mornings, church. There's no law in effect that says I shall be put to death for stuffing my face with the morning Crunchwrap! Albeit their food, arguably, is a death sentence to your bowels. To this is proclaim, Mr. Hungover, tear down those walls and eat that A.M. Crunchwrap, drink that Mountain Dew and orange juice (don't) and no longer allow yourself to be limited by those artificial restraints you've conceived. In other words grow a pair and don't be a pussy.
