Trenta Tragedy

Trenta Tragedy

Recently I was reminded by a dear friend that wine, does in fact, fit into the trenta cups from our beloved Starbucks®. This, also, got me remembering that I've always desired a day where I fill said cup up and see what happens. It happened.

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I decided to go with a more 'summery' pinot noir because I didn't want to drink an entire bottle of something heavy. Plus when I asked the nice lady at the liquor store she said it was 'seductive'. I wanted my taste buds seduced. The choice was also further influenced by the fact I couldn't pronounce the name and, allegedly, a baron is the owner of the winery. It pretty much sold itself ($8).

Firstly, I had to verify the rumors. The trenta does, in fact, fill an entire bottle of wine. This is perfect. I mean, who doesn't want to carry/ drink an entire bottle of wine, discretely. I can only imagine the possibilities. Going to kids' soccer games, business meetings, or even going to classes with, the ideas are endless. No one would be the wiser that you're drinking wine. They'd be like "Oh! Yeah the new drink from Starbucks!" and if they dare to ask for a sample just say "No!" harshly because you don't want to share germs or some bullshit. If someone accuses you of drinking wine you can just lie and be all "Who, in their right mind, would drink wine from a Starbucks cup? Where would I get one?" and casually stumble away. Just don't leave the bottle in a place easily noticeable. Anyway I have to take a nap because, whole. Bottle. Of. Wine. 

First Meal

Taco Bell's New A.M. Crunchwrap

        Yes, it's the dawning of a new age where Taco Bell now serves breakfast or as they dub it 'first meal'! My, first meal indeed! If you haven't recently woken up from a night of regrets or as the cool kids call it 'partying' you need to get yourself to the nearest club and order yourself $100 worth of drinks! Okay, maybe like $200 because, realistically, nowadays only $100 will get a girl tipsy and we need white-girl-wasted for this. 

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        Waking up from 'partying' or making a series of regrettable decisions you'll need to fully assess the situation. Where are your clothes (anyone who parties wakes up naked), where are you? Is your wallet/ purse around? Do you have any smaller bills? You should have some smaller bills because any self respecting bartender would sooner mock you than be handed a one for a tip. If you're truly clever you'd have gotten your slut on with some rando and then forced him to give you "cab fair" in which you turned around and made out with another rando whom obviously offered you a ride back home (DON'T INVITE HIM UP, gross). Stumble out of the car but coherently enough he doesn't need to offer you any unnecessary assistance aka a reason to have sex with you. That isn't what this is about. 

         So, find yourself the next morning half naked on the couch preferably with a slice of pizza somewhere near your face. Immediately wake up and announce your decrepit state to your cats, or in my case my brother's cats. They inevitably hear your feeble cries. Announce you need food and if your brother loves you or your cats know any better they'll suggest the new A.M. Crunchwrap. Proceed to Taco Bell 10 minutes before they stop serving breakfast, I think it's 9, wtf. We probably should try the 'new' drink: Mountain Dew mixed with orange juice. Just kidding, we don't completely hate ourselves! Do the Dew.

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         I don't even know how to describe the A.M. Crunchwrap. I don't even know what's inside it. The only thing I can answer for sure is that it's magical. Glorious. And probably disgusting if you ate this on a regular basis or any right state of mind. These are guidelines, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life; go ahead and be disgusting I'll judge you from afar and know that I'm secretly envious. I feel that, as people, we build artificial fences. Fences we cannot cross. Walls we find impenetrable. There is literally no explanation as to why we've built these monstrosities. It's a rule. We don't question it. Mountain Dew and orange juice for breakfast? Rule: we cannot consume this. (On the grounds it's probably disgusting; but work with me here there's a larger metaphor). Why not? Why can't we be disgusting? I might have said I never eat Taco Bell; but those were just words and you'll probably find me there Sunday mornings, church. There's no law in effect that says I shall be put to death for stuffing my face with the morning Crunchwrap! Albeit their food, arguably, is a death sentence to your bowels. To this is proclaim, Mr. Hungover, tear down those walls and eat that A.M. Crunchwrap, drink that Mountain Dew and orange juice (don't) and no longer allow yourself to be limited by those artificial restraints you've conceived. In other words grow a pair and don't be a pussy. 

Meatballs.

Meatballs.

It's been a long time coming; but who doesn't love a good dinner party. I mean only good can happen when you combine food, friends, wine and a fireplace. Okay, a fireplace probably isn't necessary for a dinner party but realistically it is, it really is. Any practical person knows that hosting your own dinner party would be hellacious so you'll need to persuade one of your fireplace-owning-large-kitchened-friends. Once they've agreed upon a time you can then further lure them into the food preparations; make sure it's something delicious. Meatballs. Meatballs are one of the greatest creations the Italians gave us, right next to pizza. They're easy to make and even easier to eat.

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The best thing to do is to show up early. Normally, this is horrible advice (fashionably late). You'll need to get a head start on wine drinking so you'll be perfectly social when more guests arrive and you'll look extra polite when you offer to help cook things. DO THE MEATBALLS. They're super easy to make and everyone loves meatballs, you'll be the life of the party, which this is really about. The host should already have ingredients for making meatballs and a recipe. If not; you should probably just leave (who doesn't serve meatballs at ANY dinner party?!?). Should you stay (read brought your own ingredients) prepare them however you'd like. They're super easy to make. Toss some shit together, ball, and bake! Hor d'ouvres everyone will love!

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Once the meatballs have been finished you can retire to socialize while others slave away in the kitchen. You've done your part and any party guests you wanted to woo have been wooed. Since you've already been drinking wine you may enjoy the piano (someone who was invited inevitably should already be playing.) you may lounge fireside. Drink in hand, chat up the party guests, and wait for the main courses. Unless, of course,  you're already lurking around the meatballs secretly nabbing and stuffing your face with them when, on the off chance, no one is around. I eat meatballs like I eat cake, like someone is going to catch me. This is also an excellent way to weed out the party guests you obviously won't click with. Anyone who isn't lurking the meatballs like you are isn't worth associating with. When the dinner is finally served you'll be well acquainted with the wine menu and the party guest you most want to spend time with. Ensuring you have successful night with said guest, you'll need to sit next to them, or near them! After all a friendship solidified in the shadows of wine and meatballs isn't something to be toyed with. An eternal bond forever cemented in gluttony! Wait no less, you've some schmoozing to do! Lure one of your friends into a dinner party and ensure they'll only be inviting the finest guests!

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

Wait what? 

Kraft Mac'n'Cheese

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Anyone whose someone has had the delicious, delicious temptations of kraft. Their Mac'n'Cheese is a childhood necessity. Moreover, a life necessity. There are some days that it's absolutely pertinent to devour a pot of it's cheesy goodness. The magic kraft somehow bakes into the scrumptious cheesy powder is, what I assume, to be the 'secret' ingredient. Actually, it's crack. It's probably crack. Obviously, there are some super important steps to creating this heaven on earth. Milk is essential and only above it is the butter (nothing tops the "cheese", though). If you're an adult and you've decided to purchase a box of 'The Cheesiest' you either are A) a poor college student or B) Your boyfriend and you ended your relationship and you need  to eat your feelings. I, unfortunately, fall into the 'B' category. I don't we have to go into the nutrition aspect of it all.  We're eating this because our feelings are fatty and delicious and need to go away. But there are necessary things we should adhere to in order to perfect our self loathing and time of grieving. 

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Preferred Beverage: Something strong. If you're in college, milk is actually quite delicious with this. However, we're adults and I'd recommend devouring the entire pot of this then guzzling down a strong strawberry daiquiri. I cannot explain this. It just makes sense to me to to chug a strawberry daiquiri after ending a bowl of Mac'n'Cheese and crying over your failed relationship. Who can be sad and drink a daiquiri?!?
Proper Attire: Anything your ex has bequeathed unto you. A nice sweater? Sorry about that cheese stain. Kinky underwear? More like kinky cheese stain! That adorable shirt you accidentally spilled marinara sauce on? Adorable shirt that pairs nicely with more cheese and marinara stains. No daiquiri stains, we don't spill alcohol. 
Appropriate Cinema: Now would probably be a good time to look at all the old facebook photos of you and your beloved. Be weary, tears will probably start streaming, don't get any into the Mac'n'Cheese  or your daiquiri, best to add another stain to your clothes. Unless you're thinking they're lacking salt. Never mind, let a few drops into that daiquiri of ours... FLAVOR ENHANCER!!!

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      It's okay to be sad sometimes. Without rain would there be a 
rainbow (so gay)? Without that cheese stain you wouldn't have realized you look atrocious in yellow (everyone does). The best thing about Mac'n'cheese is that it's even better when shared(2 boxes). Invite over your best friends. Make a thanksgiving feast and an endless pitcher of daiquiris. Put on your favorite movie and gossip about all the fantastic times you had with your now-ex and laugh about their eccentricities (that way he holds his fork!). Ultimately, you'll need to realize that your relationship was just a small leg in your flight of life. You can stow away the memories in your luggage and appreciate the things he has given you. He has taught you how to be a stronger person. How to be appreciative of the qualities others' possess. Not to be such a cunt. How to  surmount live's obstacles. How to realize that the luggage you're already carrying isn't that heavy. He's taught you that there is a weight limit when you fly so you'll need to get rid of some of those memories and let them pass (or pay a hefty fee to bring them with you). Most importantly, he's given you a home. Maybe not in the literal sense, but you know you'll never leave his memories and he your's. It makes you appreciate life when you get on an especially shitty flight filled with crying babies. You'll be able to look upon that amazing flight you once took and look forward to flying first class once again. So down that daiquiri and appreciate where you are. You're alive. You're young. You've had far too much Mac'n'cheese. So, buck up, champ, your late for your next flight!

Remember -if you can hear yourself singing the music isn't loud enough

Starbucks' Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato

Starbucks, our patron saint, mother of propriety, caffeinated beverages, goddess of overpriced indulgences -serves this delicious delicacy. 

The Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato. 

So, you're stranded somewhere in LA (dear friend has personal business to attend to) what do we do? I, also, might add that you're flat ass broke and the only money you have has  been loaded to your Starbucks app from a gift card your boyfriend has in Texas (thank god for this app, am I right?!). I decided it was absolutely necessary to sit down at the only place that would accept my currency and enjoy my last few hours in LA as any decent person would (engaged in my gadgets ignoring the gorgeous weather). I might also add that the cheapest car in the parking lot before me is a Lexus from 2010. It all adds to the ambiance of things. Los Angeles is a pretty marvelous place, full of ambitious, lazy, people and money. Lots and lots of money. Hey, lady with the minivan you can't park there!
Anyway the Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato is the perfect way to wholly take in LA and all it's grandeur. 

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Nutrition Facts:

• Calories: 230
• Total Fat: 6g
• Carbs: 34g
• Protein: 10g
• Sugars: 31g
• Caffeine: 150mg

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Preferred Beverage: Now, naturally, this is the preferred beverage. You need to splurge the $4.25 and go grande... Don't go a size up and waste all of your spending allowance  but enough to 'treat' yourself to the LA lifestyle. 

Proper Attire: Something snazzy. You need to look good. C'mon you're in LA sitting next to twin Range Rovers and someone's Mercedes. If you're flying soon you need to look like you mean business (so no one will talk to you on the airplane) *Airport tip; walk with purpose; even if you're 3 hours early; power stomp wherever you go and be fabulous about it, even to the little boys/girls room. 

Appropriate Cinema: Iphone or Macbook. Find something to do and don't look up. Walking, sitting, car accident, sunset, Jesus, don't look up. I cannot stress this enough; to blend with the 'locals' just don't do it. If you want to be exceptionally obnoxious you can put your white (read Apple) earbuds in and listen to some indie-hipster-shit-music or as I preferred 'She Wolf' by David Guetta (Obsessed, repeat) No body needs to know you're not listening to the latest sounds of 'Bag of Cats' and 'Jingling Change'.

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Now that you're wholly engaged in constantly checking Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr on all your expensive Apple gadgets you can finally enjoy your Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato (if you don't want it looking like the picture above you can order it 'upside down' and they'll stir it for you). It's a tantalizing beverage and would pair perfectly with peppermint schnapps or Bailey's (what coffee drink wouldn't, though), that is if you were able to acquire some before you spent all your money on that sale item from the American Apparel Warehouse. The drink, itself, faintly tastes of coffee. Those that loathe the coffee flavor would be delighted. I would dub it an introductory beverage to those who want a full blown caffeine addiction; albeit expensive to drink all the time, but Hey! LA! It also contains enough milk, sugary-delight, and caffeine to fulfill any missed meals and give you the drive to power through the day. 

Sadly, I just realized, while everyone was busy ordering iced drinks on this beautiful day we're supposed to drink them within the confines of the warm buildings. We're 'locals', remember, we hate the outdoors and anything below 80º (Fahrenheit) is 'cold'. Lets blog about it. 

My writing is perfect; so I don't need to proofread. 

Cabin Fever

Tis the season for merriment and deliciously toasted beverages

     Unless global warming has entered your neck of the woods it should be quite chilly out and it's time for scarves and fair isle sweaters. Since the season is upon us I say welcome it with open arms and rum,  plenty of rum. It's a versatile alcohol that is exceptionally delicious in warm concoctions. So, children, I say grab yourself a bottle, some ingredients, and head up to the mountains for some much needed rest and reprieve from modern society (and people, mostly people). I highly recommend a cabin such as...

This cabin may appear small but it was the perfect size to force my boyfriend and I to always be within arms reach of each other. After a day of skiing it was the perfect place to come back to and  warm our bodies with hot buttered rums and spiced rum cider. A recipe for the ideal cozy fireside cuddle session with Christmas music softly strumming in the background and the flannel boxers you bought at Gap awhile back. 

So here is my secret recipe for the delicious rum beverages... Enjoy:

Hot Buttered Rum:

I didn't remember the recipe for them but recalled the main ingredients were: 

• Butter
• Rum
• Brown Sugar
• Some Winter Spices
• Boiling Water

Not knowing the correct portions I mixed half a stick of butter with a handful of brown sugar. After I mixed them together I just added what seemed like a shot of rum and filled the mug with boiling water. (Sugar, butter, and rum who doesn't love these?!?)...Normally they are delicious, in this instance they weren't. After failing, I suggest you chug it down (don't waste rum) and boil some more water for the next potation. 

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Spiced Rum Cider!

• Rum
• Boiling Water
• Those packets of powdered spiced cider

Yes, these packets. With them the drinks are exceptionally easy to make, I'm not above it. Now, with the appropriate and delicious libations in hand we can let the festivities begin! Since this is best served hot it'll warm your body and the rum will warm your soul and/or any achy muscles you've acquired from skiing. It pairs perfectly with homey seasonal dishes like chili. It also pairs beautifully with a second drink; so keep the water hot. 

All liquored up and cozied in to a loved one (cats?) this drink really brings together the winter season. Wool socks, sweaters, flannel, down comforters, snow and even more snow. This is the perfect season for the introvert (who actually wants to ever leave the house?) and god forbid you attend a party... But if you're feeling crazy enough this is the perfect drink to woo guests with. Just don't let them see the discarded packaging. To this I say Happy Holidays and Happy Drinking. Stay Cozy. 

Family Size Chicken Lasagna

Freshly made pasta layered between white meat chicken and crisp vegetables in a creamy sauce.

Stouffer's. Stouffer's. Stouffer's. I'm only reviewing the chicken one because it's the most recent one I've had the pleasure of enjoying; the vegetable one is far better, though. However these are absolute bliss. They are delicious and something I'd gladly buy a hundred times from Stouffer's. They are the perfect size (family) to have a wonderful dinner with your boyfriend, lunch the next day and once he goes out of town you can eat your feelings for a solid three or four days!

Nutrition Facts:

• Calories: 400
• Fat: 13g
• Fiber: 3g
• Protein: 16g
• Sodium: 740 mg
• Carbs: 54g

Preferred Beverage: White wine, It's got to be white wine. Chicken lasagna; it just screams white wine! Also, nothing is classier than sitting, alone, at a table, and only a glass of white wine separating you and the candle light for two. 

Proper Attire: It really doesn't matter. You're alone so no one needs to know you were wearing a snuggie. 

Appropriate Cinema: I found that it's best to eat in front of a mirror. It'll appear you're dining with another person and if you're especially lonely you can pretend it's your traveling boyfriend (even if you don't have one!!). If there's no mirror at the ready to dine in front of I'm sure your cats will offer their brief companionship. 

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       If you love leftovers, boy is this the dish for you! It's ideal to woo a lover with your culinary (frozen dinner) prowess and then continue to eat the same thing for several days thereafter. The vegetables and sauce pair perfectly with the knowledge that you'll be alone for several days (or forever); just hold the tears. Save any sadness or crying for dessert (don't spoil the night)! We also wouldn't want to ruin a perfectly good meal. If crying is a must it can be saved for any of the subsequent meals. Alas there comes a time when every morsel has been devoured and as James Baldwin wrote "everybody has to leave the Garden of Eden.".

Sunday Night Blues

Ok, lets be honest. You're home. It's been a trying day and all you want to do is relax. What better way than to create an easy hor d'oeuvre and drink a cold beer to mull over the days events. You're home alone because you're nerdy and fabulous boyfriend has jeted across the continent to invariably make him that much more attractive (if that's possible). Your roommate won't be home for while so let's indulge and give in to our every whim. I decided to make my favorite: Bacon wrapped dates stuffed with goat cheese. 

There really is no appetizing way to display these

Recipe; Bacon, dates, and goat cheese .

• Stuff the goat cheese into the dates. 
• Wrap in bacon and push a toothpick through to keep it together. 
• I've found that placing them on a wired rack over a cookie sheet yields the best and crispiest bacon by allowing the fat to fall down so it doesn't just soak in it. 
• Place into the oven at about 400 and turn at the 10 minute mark, leave in for about 20 minutes or until you've reached your desirable crispiness. 

                 Now it's time to start your night. Take your bacon-deliciousness straight to the bathroom and we cannot forget your beverage too! Start a shower and allow it to get extra steamy as you light a few candles and set the mood with some Lana Del Rey. 
                It's nights like these that you have to yourself that you really get to be introspective and think about all the things you've been through and can truly be appreciative of. Traditionally I would pick up a book and devour it's contents; but as of late my contents have selfishly taken over. My life is fantastic. I love it. I just want be able to fully enjoy every aspect of it and appropriately react to each circumstance and exude love unto those that I hold most dear. 
              The one that comes to mind is my boyfriend. He deserves so much for the things I've put him through and experiences with me. I'd also hate to neglect how supportive and intelligent he is/ has been. I'd wish for nothing more than to curl up in his arms and feed him this delicious bacon dish right meow. 
Ever since he entered my life it has been wholly enriched beyond believe. Without him I probably would't have seen a therapist. A psychotherapist that was quick to prescribe and treat. I searched for alternatives before going; but accepted defeat and booked an appointment. 
                 It was defeating in that everything I could think of/ try just didn't work and this women's answer was quickly and easily drugs. Off putting. The psychotherapist was, after-all, right with her drug cocktails (well not all of then but perhaps just 1 pill). After a revelation/ hypothesis that certain behavior was exacerbated by other internal conflicts and/ or 'personality disorders'. I'm excited that it'll work and that I'll finally feel again, I can concentrate and ignore any possible anxiety and negative feelings to things that are inherently positive. 
                Yes, I'm sad that the boyfriend is away for the week. However, I legitimately feel excited and pleased for him because it's good for his career and to escape my recent weirdness. Conversely I genuinely miss his body next to mine as I lay down to sleep miss his shivering when he first climbs into bed and I get to warm him up. It feels wonderful to feel the love of others and give it in return... and also to fully appreciate bacon again. 
           Sometimes, it just takes a little bacon, steam, and well placed candle lighting to wholly appreciate the magnificent things you have in your life. Especially the people who still talk to you after all you did was complain for an entire year. Oh what a year it's been! 

Hot Chocolate

Ladies and Gentlemen lets have a talk, 

It should probably look like this

        First of all I need you to go fix yourself some hot chocolate. Don't skimp out on 'sugar free' or 'low sugar' or any of the generic brands you can find. I'm talking about the good stuff. Premium hot chocolate. Milk, aways use milk because it's 99 times superior to water in any chocolate beverage. Lastly, place a few marshmallows in there to make it extra special; whipping cream for those who felt 
even more risque.(Cough, schnapps, anyone?) Are we ready now, can we have a chat?
        Let's start off with a little background info. Lately my life has been interesting. Introspective and heavily lacking in lean cuisine. I became a terrible student, friend, and an even worse boyfriend. My exceptionally high standards for myself and how I interact in society had slipt. Feeling sad and irritable at the drop of a hat or the slamming of a cupboard (they prefer to be gently closed). Irrational and weird behaviors were creeping up on me. It was a slow rolling cloud that was only accruing more negativity and pressure. Anxiety. Depression. It needed to disappear. 
       I took it upon myself to banish this cloud before anything could happen. No! Cloud, go away! I tried exercising more, eating healthier (lol!), and tried to vent/ communicate what I was feeling to my boyfriend and some friends. It only came off as nagging and bitchy comments. It was unpleasant and I felt bad about what I had said/ done but only until I unraveled myself from the cloud's embrace. 
        Feeling defeated by the inability of my fabulous relaxation techniques I learned from a class to fully banish this cloud I sought out a therapist. Upon talking to her she quickly sought out a psychotherapist (I knew I had a problem but..). This psychotherapist quickly prescribed a mood stabilizer. Apprehensively, I conceded and began taking it. 
        Glorious. The clouds seemed to part and I could be me again. I felt better(ish) and was less of a twat to everyone around me.... especially my lovely boyfriend who had the privilege to see the worst of it all and was gracious enough to not slap me. Alas, every story has a twist or some version thereof. I recently went back to said psychotherapist for a follow up. 

         I may have forgot to mention Panic Attacks. They happen and it's super special..... I mentioned to my therapist I was feeling better but the attacks seemed to worsen and I hated it and I try everything to avoid them. Tried meditating, relaxing, counting, and distracting myself, they all just prolonged the inevitable... That feeling when you need to cry but can't. It's horrible; so why not just cry and get it out? I developed this philosophy for the panic. Just get it over with and try to move on. Just let it happen. I described this to the psychotherapist. 
         The psychotherapist was quick to prescribe more meds (yay?). I asked about alternatives and what I could do that didn't involve any more medication, who wants to be that person? Ultimately, she told me they were excellent fixes for short term relief and then we can work on long term goals sans medications; this was her selling point for them. So long as she would continue to provide me with information on these alternatives and working on them with me.  
         So feeling rather introspective after a wondrous cuddle/ (nap... its 2 am) session with le boyfriend I decided to gather my thoughts and shower. Whenever I'm about to enter the shower, feeling pensive, I anticipate some amazing euphony to happen. Euphoria! Just kidding! The only thing I could come up with was that why were they so ready to prescribe? Her pen blazed across the paper as soon as the lethargic printer regurgitated the necessary paperwork. The therapist didn't even bat an eye. I felt like she should have gotten to know me more. Figure me out. Knowing more about my life story than what I could briefly recapitulate in less than an hour. Who knows, maybe this is the right path to take. I want to be a better, happier, healthier person (if not for me for my amazing boyfriend and siblings) so are these medications right for me... for us?
         There's only one way to find out. I shall attempt to stay positive for what the future beholds (less drugs!) because life is a pretty exciting thing when you get down to thinking about it all! A quote that, for some reason inspires me, "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." -Inception. 

Darling, thats what gets me. Darling. 

Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry

Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry

Tender white meat chicken with long grain white rice, delicate snap peas, carrots and zesty red peppers in a sweet and savory teriyaki sauce.

 Lean Cuisine. Lean Cuisine. Lean Cuisine. It may be time to that we take a break. We need to talk about this "cook for 2 mins take off cover stir, and cook for 2 more minutes" business. We're eating lean cuisines because we want to minimize the amount of effort we put into the food. It's also about time we talk about these entrees. You make delicious appetizers and 'lunch' dishes. This Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry wasn't satisfactory; not in the least.

Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:  250

Fat:  2g

Fiber:  2g

Protein:  12g

Sodium: 570mg

Carbs: 46g

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• Preferred Beverage: Let's be honest, whatever is in your liquor cabinet/ fridge and mix then together. Beer and orange juice? Rum and iced tea/ lemonade? If you're eating this then you probably really don't care about the flavor so much as getting the substance in your body.
• Proper Attire: After a hard day of work come home, put this in the microwave and take off all your clothes. 
• Appropriate Cinema: Iron Chef on the Food Network. No better way to highlight how depressing it is that you've microwaved a Lean Cuisine when these people are making amazing dishes in like 60 minutes. 

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             This dish was not much to write home about. It was boring and kind of gross and the worst part was that I had to actually touch (stir) it before it was done cooking. Like, I had already taken off my work clothes and didn't feel like doing much more aside from sitting on the couch and being an American. The added shame of watching Iron Chef was, really, the icing on the cake. The thing that got me through consuming this dish was the prospect of going to bed.

             When I'd rather go to sleep than eat, something is terribly wrong. The proportions were atrocious. I ate the whole dish in about 4 bites, not including the snow peas. Still ravenous I had to cook the pizza in the freezer. This Chicken Teriyaki dish is a really great way to realize that you actually eat way more than the people over at Lean Cuisine believe you eat. I'd suggest beginning by preheating the oven before you even fathom opening the box for this 'stir fry'. 

Ginger Garlic Stir Fry with Chicken

Ginger Garlic Stir Fry with Chicken

White meat chicken with snap peas,whole wheat pasta & ginger garlic sauce

Ladies and ladies it has finally happened. Lean Cuisine has failed us. This was one of the worst dishes I've ever had. Keep in mind, though, that I was completely sober and had just consumed some pizza; I wasn't starving which probably lead to it's downfall. This dish lacked flavor and that special Lean Cuisine touch not to mention the sucrose factor was nearing that of sweet tea. 

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Basic Nutrition Facts

Calories:                   280

Fat:             4g

Fiber:                5g

Protein:                19g

Sodium:            570mg

Carbs:              43g

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• Preferred Beverage: Normally I'd advise some amazing orange inspired cocktail. It's lunch hour and hardly time to be drinking, que laughter. Perhaps some of those wine coolers that come in handy 'travel' bottles...
• Proper Attire: A shameful shawl and oversized clothes: the usual. If you're at work you can pretend you're wearing less than desirable clothing; something to reflect the flavor of the dish.
• Appropriate Cinema: Sex and the City. It just seems to fit. 

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         Came home from class and was exceptionally starving. Ate the best: cold pizza and realized that I was still starving. Lone and behold there was a Lean Cuisine (6 were initially purchased as a packaged deal sent from the heavens; and yes all but two were consumed). It was time to try this garlic one.    

         Disappointment. It was the first Cuisine that brought shame to the Lean family. First of all; why is garlic in the title? I didn't taste it at all. Disappointment. Then the ginger came to play. It was exceptionally gingery and had some spice to it. As a fellow comparative ginger this was fantastic. 

        The vegetables were weird and the rice was equally mystifying. The amount of sugar in it was the most awe-striking. Whose idea was it to infuse so much sugar in a stir fry. Borderline dessert and wouldn't compliment any wine coolers available (who do they think is actually eating these dishes). Disappointment. 

       Ladies and gents, we have ourselves the first disappointing Lean Cuisine; a moment of silence, please. 

McCafé Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie

McDonald's McCafé Mango Pineapple Real Fruit Smoothie

"It's the ultimate cool down: sweet mango and juicy pineapple blended with creamy low fat yogurt and ice."

      It has taken me far too long to write about this. I've finally decided to divulge this gem unto the world. Yes, you can pick up your jaw from the floor I do, occasionally, patronize McDonalds. I do, however, only go there for this. 

      When it comes down to ordering don't be distracted by their luscious selection of delicious treats; I'll save you the time and let you know they're all awful. The two other smoothie flavors are equally disgusting. You have, and I cannot stress this enough, you have to get the mango pineapple. One more rule; you can't get these whenever you "feel" like a smoothie, the only opportunity to indulge is when you're hungover from a magnificent night of debauchery.

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Basic Nutrition Facts:

(for a medium because it's the perfect size)

Calories: .........270

Fat: ...............1.6g

Fiber: ...............2g

Protein: .............3g

Sodium: ........51mg

Carbs: ...............61g

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Preferred Beverage:                        After a night of drinking this is the only 

                                                       thing you'll want to drink. Go ahead and 

                                                       roll out of bed and head straight to 

                                                       McDonald's. You'll thank me later. 

Proper Attire:                                  What ever you woke up in. First of all 

                                                       it's McDonald's so they won't care if you 

                                                       show up sans pants (I did) or in yesterdays 

                                                       slutty attire (walk of shame?) the employees

                                                       probably have seen worse. 

Appropriate Cinema:                      Users choice. Your go-to show to remedy 

                                                       your already shitty day. Just don't stare into

                                                      the mirror and scowl at the bags under your eyes. 

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      So you woke up in an undisclosed location, wondering where you left your phone... Your day can only improve from here. What better way to kickstart it than to refuel your body with this delicious smoothie?!? Rolling right out of bed or whence you fell and 'slept' and immediately find your keys, hopefully you're not still a little intoxicated in which case go back to bed, and head straight to the nearest McDonald's. There is no excuse to complain about a commute to one. They're like spiders and you're never more than 100 feet from one. 

       I usually order a medium because it always does the trick, it leaves me wanting a little more but not disgustingly bloated and overfull. It's perfect for me; but it's also proportional to the amount you drank the night before. The more alcohol consumed the larger you need to go (don't be afraid of venturing into more than one smoothie... the employees will just think you're ordering for two!). 

       Hands down this is the best cure for the start of a shitty day. Walks of shame should always have a detour from the frat house to McDonald's to your house. It's an absolute. A necessity. You'll hate yourself more if you don't. One last word to the cautious -Don't tell your smoothie that it "Needs to get in you right now" when you're handed it. You'll blow your cover of not being one of those weirdos who go there on a regular basis// you'll have to start going to the other McDonald's across the street and that's just a huge pain in the ass. 

Extra Cheesy Pizza Lunchable

Extra Cheesy Pizza

Lunchable

           Lunchables. The delicious bit of childhood you can still purchase in the refrigerator section of major grocers. If you haven't indulged you probably had a terribad upbringing. Questioning what you'll do for lunch tomorrow?!? You probably need to get your ass to the store and purchase 3 of them; Yes, three, I'll explain later. If you did have the luxury of opening up your sack lunch every Friday in elementary school to discover this you had hella lazy parents who knew they could buy your love. Related; this are nearly impossible not to find on sale, so I had lazy and cheap parents; this explains everything. 

(Stack of 3, obv)

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Basic Nutrition Facts:

Lets face it; you're either a child or someone who doesn't care what goes into your body. 

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Proper Attire:                          Jeans and a t-shirt, I don't think I need to 

                                               elaborate anymore; preferably wind pants 

                                               because I didn't wear jeans till I was 16.

Preferred Beverage:                If you (your parents) were exceptionally 

                                               cheap then it didn't come with the delicious 

                                               8(?)% fruit beverage (beloved) Capri 

                                               Son. If this were the case; buy some; it's 

                                               a necessity. Just do it.

Appropriate Cinema:               The longing expression of your peers, 

                                                jealous of the fact you're bold enough 

                                                to bring one out in public. I choose to hide

                                                out in my car and avoid eye contact with

                                                anyone who walked by; because I own a 

                                                hybrid. 

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          I think we've established the only people who eat these are children and adults who haven't grown up (are poor) so naturally we don't care about what goes into our bodies. Perhaps we just occasionally don't care what goes into our bodies. These are the perfect remedy for this.

         This is kind of bland, flavorless but somehow still retain some delicious aspects.If sentimental value had a flavor this wouldn't be it, try Grandma's cookies. Lunchable's extra cheesy pizzas taste exactly like what you'd think. There is absolutely nothing special about them. However, once you start eating them you just can't stop. I would equate them to a train wreck for you palate.Thus the only remedy I can conjure for this is to purchase 3 of them. Three seems to be the the limit at which consciousness seeps in and feelings like remorse and regret take hold. 

        The magic number is also three since that's the number of 'pizzas' that are packed into the super eco-friendly plastic packaging. Plastic is nature's friend and the container is essential to precariously placing the the pizzas on your center consul to carefully construct each one with love. Worry not the passerby's aren't judging your shameful indulgence of this delicacy. They're too busy pining over the hybrid you're driving (If you don't drive a hybrid why do you hate the environment sooo much?!?!)

      I'll just go ahead and save you some time and tell you to just go buy one. Everyone deserves to have the experience of consuming a lunchable at least once. Unless the last time you ate it was in the sixth grade, leave it at that. Don't let your lips part for anything less than actual pizza. Keep the magic alive and don't ruin a good memory, grow up and buy a lean cuisine. 

Five Cheese Rigatoni

"Rigatoni pasta in a sweet tomato sauce topped with a five cheese blend"
      Delicious. This was absolutely delicious, for one bite. The first bite was amazing, tasting the scrumptious five cheeses and the 'sweet tomato sauce'. Merely made me eager in anticipation for the next bite. Which was only just as disappointing as it was originally delicious. Bland, lame and sorely lack luster. It did help, though, that I never had to actually feed myself and a handsome gentleman feed me every bite; made it a little distracting to focus on the flavor, if you'd call it flavor!
     Again, it was on sale (who would buy a lean cuisine full price?!?!?) thus is it was a delight to purchase such shame with less money than it would normally cost cost. The frugal snacker is the wise snacker.

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Basic Nutrition Facts: 

Calories: 350

Fat: 9g

Fiber: 4g

Protein: 15g

Sodium: 650mg

Carbs: 51g

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Preferred Beverage:                     Beer; the most calorie laden, shame inducing beer 

                                                    you can find. If you're not feeling bloated after a 

                                                    couple sips you're doing it wrong. 

Proper Attire:                               If you have someone feeding you this; and you're

                                                     probably feeling bloated / disgusting from the 

                                                     beer it's probably best to not limit yourself by a 

                                                     waistband. Let your freak flag fly and consume 

                                                      in the buff! Increased comfort and ample 

                                                     opportunity to seduce your partner. If your eating 

                                                     alone it's still advisable to dine sans clothes 

                                                    because red sauce stains and we don't need to add

                                                    to the collection of stains in our favorite sweats. 

Cinema:                                       Legally Blonde 2. Don't ask, just do it. It's one of

                                                    those terrible movies that makes you feel good and

                                                    you don't know why. Don't question it just let it 

                                                    happen. It's like ice cream without the calories. 

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                To do this right you have to follow every step. First, have a very stressful day, at work, school, finding high calorie beer, whatever. Second, go to your favorite Chinese restaurant and order the most Americanized, horrible, version of 'sesame' chicken or 'orange' chicken; the less authentic the better. Eat. Try to enjoy; but eat so fast you neglect to note that what you're eating is 75% breading and 25% chicken. 

               Let it all settle in your stomach and if it you did it right you'll be hungry in an hour. This is when you start drinking the beer. Once you've had 2 beers you'll almost be too full to move. Heat up the Rigatoni and savor the first bite. It's kind of a bitch to heat up because you need to actually stir it. I didn't expect this from the cuisine. An extra step, I mean c'mon. I guess it's to mix the five cheeses and further build up the anticipation of something delicious.

             Come to think of it all this is good for one of those nights when you need the opposite of a cleanse. When you need to decimate the temple you call a body and let it know you're in charge. After the movie wraps up and you're wiping your tears because 'Bruiser's Bill' is just so inspiring try to go straight to sleep. No brushing your teeth and forget any ideas you had of sex, no matter how adorable the guy who fed you the rigatoni is. Trust. 

            When you wake up and brush your teeth, take your morning walk, and wonder what the hell you were thinking last night. Spot the carnage of the night before and quickly hide the remnants and maybe apologize to your boyfriend for putting him through that. Then the healing can begin and sex. Have sex. 

Philly Style Steak and Cheese Panini

"Beef steak, red & green peppers, onions & cheese sauce on sourdough bread"

            When you say the title of this dish you have to add some special pizzazz to panini. Like Oprah telling you "you've won a new carrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I may update this blog even more sparsely than Oprah gives out cars but one can only eat so many lean cuisines. 
             You're all in luck. I ate one tonight! It was a delicious and refreshing reprieve after being called a demon at work and being accused of pushing the hospital's "Liberal Christian satanic agenda"! I know, what god-fearing, Obama-voting, satan-worshiping employee would I be if I asked to take your just blood pressure and not your soul?!
            Any whoodles this panini was an excellent surprise and as usual the Cuisine delivered. Actually, it more than delivered. It exceeded my expectations of a $2.07 panini (it was on sale, jealous?).

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Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories: 320

Fat: 9g

Fiber: 4g

Protein: 21g

Sodium: 540 mg

Carbs: 39g

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Preferred Beverage:                    It paired nicely with the work-subsidized (free) Shasta 

                                                  Cola but if you're feeling especially classy I'd suggest a 

                                                   cherry Coke. Maybe some rum could accidentally find 

                                                   it's way into it as well, who knows?

Proper Attire:                            Jean Scrubs (yes I'm a proud owner of a pair) Anything 

                                                denim. If you have these you're set and probably already an 

                                                 expert on Cuisine couture. 

Cinema:                                     Something where you don't have to touch anything; trust 

                                                   me you'll thank me later. 

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          Not surprisingly the harsh critics over at the Lean Cuisine website gave this maser piece 4 out of 5 stars. It was fantastic. As usual the crisping tray delivered and the overall dish was flavorful. I didn't actually know there was a 'cheese sauce' until I looked up the description. I, also, wasn't really sure what the meat was, either. Nonetheless, I was pleased with the overall results. 

        The greasy and buttery(?) bread, once crisped, was perfectly matched with the vegetables and other mysterious substances. Don't ask questions -just stuff your face you only have thirty minutes! Well, I only had thirty minutes. Maybe 20, I spent a solid 10 deciding what terrible beverage to pair this with. juice, energy drink, milk, or the world's worst hospital coffee? No! I opted to gaze longingly at the Shasta selection and decided caffeine was a must, cola it was. 

        Little did I know that I was venturing forth into unknown territory of the perfect match made in lunchtime heaven. Philly style was spot on. It didn't make me want to jump on the nearest plane and head to Philadelphia; but it was pretty close. After finishing it I had to snap out of the state of euphoria to head back to work and face my demons... frowny face.