Wood Fire Style Margherita Pizza

"tomatoes, red onions, garlic, basil & reduced fat mozzarella cheese with an olive oil tomato sauce on a thin crust"

Exhaustion, a new job and my love for pizza drew me into this one. I'll admit I only grabbed it because it was on sale and 'margherita' was in the title. Otherwise I may have gone for a less 'fancy' pizza. Also, the pretentious spelling of 'margherita' threw me off. 

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Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:    310

Fat:          7g

Fiber:       3g

Protein:     16g

Sodium:           460 mg

Carbs:        46g

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Preferred Beverage:          This one kind of stumped me; It's the perfect dish for work

                                           and on the go. So either a water bottle of wine or an energy 

                                           drink would suffice -pending on your place of labor. 

Proper Attire:                   Whatever you wear to work. If it helps; when I bought this I was 

                                          wearing jeans, slippers and a coat. Just jeans, slippers 

                                           and a coat. Don't worry it was fully zipped. 

Cinema:                            The background of your pitiful 'employee lounge' coupled with 

                                          awkward lunch conversation and the lingering smell of feet and 

                                          wine from your 'water' bottle. Unless there's a t.v. then you 

                                          can mindlessly watch part of whatever is on and loathe

                                           life thinking about a new job. 

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           It has recently come to my attention that you can actually rate Lean Cuisine products on their web site. This particular pizza has about twenty pages of similar minded individuals berating this delicious delicacy. I cannot believe the average score was only two out of five stars!

          Yes, yes I can. It may look appetizing, however the final product was vaguely reminiscent after the microwave made it's sweet magical love to it and turned the "olive oil tomato sauce" into a scarring image not meant to be seen associated with food. I persevered beyond the monstrous sauce and bit into the surprisingly crisp crust. They have you fold the top of the box over the bottom and flip the structure over and cook it on top of the 'crisping tray'. It is entirely magical because afterwards you get to use the box as a plate!

          These little crisping trays are doing wonders for microwave food everywhere. I could write an essay about the foods it's enhanced and how it is on par with sliced bread, some other time maybe. I was in love with the crunchy bottom with a fluffy albeit non-soggy center. A miracle! It was a decent size to hold and not entirely awkward to stuff into your face; but lacked the connivence of normal slices of pizza and who are we kidding, no one will have the patience or virtue to lovingly cut it up. The cheese, if I remember there being any, was nothing special.

          I almost completely forgot about the flavor! Just kidding, I didn't. It tasted like a tomato that somehow managed change it's texture to three varying degrees; crunchy, soft and bread-like, and pasty. After consuming the entire thing I began contemplating this blog I read the description and only then realized there was supposed to be other ingredients than tomatoes. Chances are astronomically high that I'll ever be purchasing this again, unless I happen to be astronomically high myself even then it would never happen. 

        

Cheese & Pepperoni Bagel Bites®

"Tomato Sauce on a 'bagel' with Real Cheese and Pepperonis"

Yes, I ate bagel bites. It was purely for research and... Okay, I cannot lie. I had to talk one of my dear friends into this -mostly to feel a little nostalgic and because I was craving this kind of depravity.

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Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:                         190

Fat:                                6g

Fiber:                              8g

Protein:                           2g

Carbohydrates:                29g

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Preferred Beverage:          PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). The perfect combination. 

Proper Attire:                    Your finest flannel/ t-shirt and maybe cargo shorts or whatever. 

Cinema:                            Favorite after school cartoons. Spongebob Squarepants. Pinky 

                                         and the Brain?

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          Bear with me. These are absolutely terrible. I cannot believe they were such a staple in my post-school snack. It tasted like exceptionally hard dough that had been lightly drizzled with condensed tomato sauce and sprinkled with bits'o'nasty-flavored-bacon-pieces finally topped with what they call 'Real Cheese' but seemed no more real than my appreciation for nascar. They were hard to eat. 

          Alas, if you find yourself feeling exceptionally nostalgic/ bored/ hungover and craving shitty food they may be ideal. However, the perfect setting would be to just pop them in the microwave during a hipster party and comment on how 'ironic' they are and that they are absolutely perfect with their water-beer, I mean PBR. If you're lucky they would all get food poisoning and you'd never speak to them again. A girl can dream. 

          These things are bad and it's as simple as that. They are the perfect treat when the munchies of the drunk variety are calling and your pallet isn't discriminating enough to discern dog food from the Olive Garden. Go ahead and purchase the '9-pack' and stick it in your freezer. They'll keep forever. When the time is right you'll barely remember you bought them seven months ago and hopefully thank me. Never mind, I don't really care to be associated with them. 

Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls

"White meat chipotle chicken, corn, black beans, bell peppers and onions"

Clearly we're going for a spanish theme here. Lean Cuisine was a little stereotypical here. Fajita-style. I mean really?! They are a more 'diet-friendly' answer to the taquito, less guilt but still the same shameful flavor.

Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:                           200

Fat:                                  7g

Fiber:                               2g

Protein:                           15g

Carbohydrates:               20g

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Preferred Beverage:  Cheap tequila and an excessive amount of margarita mix. 

Proper Attire:               Sombrero paired with a poncho (If a poncho is not available 

                                      substitute with  a snuggie)

Cinema:                       ¡Three Amigos! For obvious reasons.  

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        Yes there's two servings and even directions to heating both of them at the same time, thank-god! There were also three 'spring rolls' in each serving so six total. One serving was actually quite filling (but maybe it was the pumpkin spice latte I had pre-consumption). After opening the box and dumping the contents like a child on Christmas I tore apart one of the packages and instantly noticed the smell.

        I'm not going to lie here. They smelled like shit. Absolutely horrible; maybe the smell helps to weaken the ravenous appetite... touché Nestlé. Still I was set on stuffing my face. So I placed them in the 'crisping sleeve' and microwaved for two and a half minutes. When a minute was left they started smoking or something; no, it's not smoke which initially scared the shit out of me.

         They didn't take long to cool enough so they wouldn't singe your mouth but long enough to pour a few shots or dawn that poncho. The spring rolls tasted exactly as described fajita-style. It was like an Asian decided they were going to make a Mexican appetizer but stopped short when their stereotypical imagination couldn't conceive any ideas past the 'spring roll'. I could foresee them as a quick snack when you're 'on the go' not as an actual appetizer.             

        Put more 'Mexican' in it and call it a 'healthy alternative to a taquito'. They weren't terrible; but not nearly as orgasmic as the artichoke dip. It felt pushed and overly stereotypical; like they couldn't afford an actual Mexican to part some of their culinary wisdom on the recipe. Overall opt for the more shame-inducing taquitos or venture forth to a more spanish themed dish from Lean Cuisine as I have yet to try them. I know Amy's enchiladas are almost to die for, just sayin'. Then again, the 'point' of these 'Spring Rolls' may be been entirely lost on me. 

(Side note; the 'Crisping Tray' was, in fact, shit and the 'spring rolls' were a little moist and not crispy)

Spinach Artichoke Dip with Pita Bread

"Artichoke hearts and spinach in a creamy Parmesan cheese sauce with pita bread."

Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:    200

Fat:           6g

Fiber:        2g

Protein:     8g

Sodium:    410 mg

Carbs:      0g

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Preferred Beverage: A cheap pinot grigio.

Proper Attire:             Oversized t-shirt sans pants; athletic shorts if company is present/ 

                                    visibly uncomfortable.

Cinema:                    Any romance featuring a beach house on the East coast.

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         This was a pleasant surprise. When I first heard that Lean Cuisine was FINALLY coming out with appetizers, let alone dips, I was more than thrilled. I have been, albeit secretly, an avid fan of the cuisines. Shamefully purchasing them from the self checkout, hiding them in the freezer fearful company will discover them only to quickly dispose of the evidence.

         Spinach Artichoke dip is always a favorite of mine; it's hard to fuck up. I'm usually pleased with it when ordered from a restaurant, however this dish was absolutely delicious (good enough to start a blog about...) It was perfectly creamy. The artichokes were present and not overpowered by the spinach. It didn't have that 'smells-like-a-horse-pen' aroma that some artichoke dips take on which was a definite plus. The pita bread, assumed worthless and probably disgusting, was surprisingly a worthy vessel for this dip. It all came together beautifully. Nestlé (owner of Lean Cuisine) clearly had their shit together for this product. 

         It comes in two servings. There are four packages in all. Two small black dip bowls and two small pita breads. It was kind of a hassle to heat them all up separately; but I imagine someone adhering to the 'lean' aspect of the dish wouldn't be heating up all the servings. It would have been perfect to heat up one serving, open your wine and turn on 'Nights in Rodanthe'. Right after you finish your first bottle you can pause the movie, throw another dip in the microwave. Upon finishing up in the bathroom the dip will be cool enough and you can heat up the pita and quickly open the next bottle of wine and resume the movie. 

         Instantly consuming both the portions actually didn't result in self-loathing, which, again, was completely unexpected; but I wish I had spaced them out. I was overly pleased with the experience and highly recommend this microwave dish. It definitely surpasses any food that can be brought to your door by a delivery man*; worth the drive. In the end I was wiping the tears off my face from the movie and not entirely from the bloating and feeling of fat from the night's indulgence. Until next time; Happy Microwaving! 

*Unless you have an exceptionally attractive delivery man... but what are the odds of that happening?