Cheese & Pepperoni Bagel Bites®

"Tomato Sauce on a 'bagel' with Real Cheese and Pepperonis"

Yes, I ate bagel bites. It was purely for research and... Okay, I cannot lie. I had to talk one of my dear friends into this -mostly to feel a little nostalgic and because I was craving this kind of depravity.

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Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:                         190

Fat:                                6g

Fiber:                              8g

Protein:                           2g

Carbohydrates:                29g

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Preferred Beverage:          PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon). The perfect combination. 

Proper Attire:                    Your finest flannel/ t-shirt and maybe cargo shorts or whatever. 

Cinema:                            Favorite after school cartoons. Spongebob Squarepants. Pinky 

                                         and the Brain?

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          Bear with me. These are absolutely terrible. I cannot believe they were such a staple in my post-school snack. It tasted like exceptionally hard dough that had been lightly drizzled with condensed tomato sauce and sprinkled with bits'o'nasty-flavored-bacon-pieces finally topped with what they call 'Real Cheese' but seemed no more real than my appreciation for nascar. They were hard to eat. 

          Alas, if you find yourself feeling exceptionally nostalgic/ bored/ hungover and craving shitty food they may be ideal. However, the perfect setting would be to just pop them in the microwave during a hipster party and comment on how 'ironic' they are and that they are absolutely perfect with their water-beer, I mean PBR. If you're lucky they would all get food poisoning and you'd never speak to them again. A girl can dream. 

          These things are bad and it's as simple as that. They are the perfect treat when the munchies of the drunk variety are calling and your pallet isn't discriminating enough to discern dog food from the Olive Garden. Go ahead and purchase the '9-pack' and stick it in your freezer. They'll keep forever. When the time is right you'll barely remember you bought them seven months ago and hopefully thank me. Never mind, I don't really care to be associated with them. 

Fajita-Style Chicken Spring Rolls

"White meat chipotle chicken, corn, black beans, bell peppers and onions"

Clearly we're going for a spanish theme here. Lean Cuisine was a little stereotypical here. Fajita-style. I mean really?! They are a more 'diet-friendly' answer to the taquito, less guilt but still the same shameful flavor.

Basic Nutrition Facts:

Calories:                           200

Fat:                                  7g

Fiber:                               2g

Protein:                           15g

Carbohydrates:               20g

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Preferred Beverage:  Cheap tequila and an excessive amount of margarita mix. 

Proper Attire:               Sombrero paired with a poncho (If a poncho is not available 

                                      substitute with  a snuggie)

Cinema:                       ¡Three Amigos! For obvious reasons.  

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        Yes there's two servings and even directions to heating both of them at the same time, thank-god! There were also three 'spring rolls' in each serving so six total. One serving was actually quite filling (but maybe it was the pumpkin spice latte I had pre-consumption). After opening the box and dumping the contents like a child on Christmas I tore apart one of the packages and instantly noticed the smell.

        I'm not going to lie here. They smelled like shit. Absolutely horrible; maybe the smell helps to weaken the ravenous appetite... touché Nestlé. Still I was set on stuffing my face. So I placed them in the 'crisping sleeve' and microwaved for two and a half minutes. When a minute was left they started smoking or something; no, it's not smoke which initially scared the shit out of me.

         They didn't take long to cool enough so they wouldn't singe your mouth but long enough to pour a few shots or dawn that poncho. The spring rolls tasted exactly as described fajita-style. It was like an Asian decided they were going to make a Mexican appetizer but stopped short when their stereotypical imagination couldn't conceive any ideas past the 'spring roll'. I could foresee them as a quick snack when you're 'on the go' not as an actual appetizer.             

        Put more 'Mexican' in it and call it a 'healthy alternative to a taquito'. They weren't terrible; but not nearly as orgasmic as the artichoke dip. It felt pushed and overly stereotypical; like they couldn't afford an actual Mexican to part some of their culinary wisdom on the recipe. Overall opt for the more shame-inducing taquitos or venture forth to a more spanish themed dish from Lean Cuisine as I have yet to try them. I know Amy's enchiladas are almost to die for, just sayin'. Then again, the 'point' of these 'Spring Rolls' may be been entirely lost on me. 

(Side note; the 'Crisping Tray' was, in fact, shit and the 'spring rolls' were a little moist and not crispy)