Extra Cheesy Pizza Lunchable

Extra Cheesy Pizza

Lunchable

           Lunchables. The delicious bit of childhood you can still purchase in the refrigerator section of major grocers. If you haven't indulged you probably had a terribad upbringing. Questioning what you'll do for lunch tomorrow?!? You probably need to get your ass to the store and purchase 3 of them; Yes, three, I'll explain later. If you did have the luxury of opening up your sack lunch every Friday in elementary school to discover this you had hella lazy parents who knew they could buy your love. Related; this are nearly impossible not to find on sale, so I had lazy and cheap parents; this explains everything. 

(Stack of 3, obv)

____________________________________________________

Basic Nutrition Facts:

Lets face it; you're either a child or someone who doesn't care what goes into your body. 

_____________________________

Proper Attire:                          Jeans and a t-shirt, I don't think I need to 

                                               elaborate anymore; preferably wind pants 

                                               because I didn't wear jeans till I was 16.

Preferred Beverage:                If you (your parents) were exceptionally 

                                               cheap then it didn't come with the delicious 

                                               8(?)% fruit beverage (beloved) Capri 

                                               Son. If this were the case; buy some; it's 

                                               a necessity. Just do it.

Appropriate Cinema:               The longing expression of your peers, 

                                                jealous of the fact you're bold enough 

                                                to bring one out in public. I choose to hide

                                                out in my car and avoid eye contact with

                                                anyone who walked by; because I own a 

                                                hybrid. 

_________________________________________________

          I think we've established the only people who eat these are children and adults who haven't grown up (are poor) so naturally we don't care about what goes into our bodies. Perhaps we just occasionally don't care what goes into our bodies. These are the perfect remedy for this.

         This is kind of bland, flavorless but somehow still retain some delicious aspects.If sentimental value had a flavor this wouldn't be it, try Grandma's cookies. Lunchable's extra cheesy pizzas taste exactly like what you'd think. There is absolutely nothing special about them. However, once you start eating them you just can't stop. I would equate them to a train wreck for you palate.Thus the only remedy I can conjure for this is to purchase 3 of them. Three seems to be the the limit at which consciousness seeps in and feelings like remorse and regret take hold. 

        The magic number is also three since that's the number of 'pizzas' that are packed into the super eco-friendly plastic packaging. Plastic is nature's friend and the container is essential to precariously placing the the pizzas on your center consul to carefully construct each one with love. Worry not the passerby's aren't judging your shameful indulgence of this delicacy. They're too busy pining over the hybrid you're driving (If you don't drive a hybrid why do you hate the environment sooo much?!?!)

      I'll just go ahead and save you some time and tell you to just go buy one. Everyone deserves to have the experience of consuming a lunchable at least once. Unless the last time you ate it was in the sixth grade, leave it at that. Don't let your lips part for anything less than actual pizza. Keep the magic alive and don't ruin a good memory, grow up and buy a lean cuisine. 

Five Cheese Rigatoni

"Rigatoni pasta in a sweet tomato sauce topped with a five cheese blend"
      Delicious. This was absolutely delicious, for one bite. The first bite was amazing, tasting the scrumptious five cheeses and the 'sweet tomato sauce'. Merely made me eager in anticipation for the next bite. Which was only just as disappointing as it was originally delicious. Bland, lame and sorely lack luster. It did help, though, that I never had to actually feed myself and a handsome gentleman feed me every bite; made it a little distracting to focus on the flavor, if you'd call it flavor!
     Again, it was on sale (who would buy a lean cuisine full price?!?!?) thus is it was a delight to purchase such shame with less money than it would normally cost cost. The frugal snacker is the wise snacker.

________________________________________________

Basic Nutrition Facts: 

Calories: 350

Fat: 9g

Fiber: 4g

Protein: 15g

Sodium: 650mg

Carbs: 51g

____________________________

Preferred Beverage:                     Beer; the most calorie laden, shame inducing beer 

                                                    you can find. If you're not feeling bloated after a 

                                                    couple sips you're doing it wrong. 

Proper Attire:                               If you have someone feeding you this; and you're

                                                     probably feeling bloated / disgusting from the 

                                                     beer it's probably best to not limit yourself by a 

                                                     waistband. Let your freak flag fly and consume 

                                                      in the buff! Increased comfort and ample 

                                                     opportunity to seduce your partner. If your eating 

                                                     alone it's still advisable to dine sans clothes 

                                                    because red sauce stains and we don't need to add

                                                    to the collection of stains in our favorite sweats. 

Cinema:                                       Legally Blonde 2. Don't ask, just do it. It's one of

                                                    those terrible movies that makes you feel good and

                                                    you don't know why. Don't question it just let it 

                                                    happen. It's like ice cream without the calories. 

__________________________________________________________

                To do this right you have to follow every step. First, have a very stressful day, at work, school, finding high calorie beer, whatever. Second, go to your favorite Chinese restaurant and order the most Americanized, horrible, version of 'sesame' chicken or 'orange' chicken; the less authentic the better. Eat. Try to enjoy; but eat so fast you neglect to note that what you're eating is 75% breading and 25% chicken. 

               Let it all settle in your stomach and if it you did it right you'll be hungry in an hour. This is when you start drinking the beer. Once you've had 2 beers you'll almost be too full to move. Heat up the Rigatoni and savor the first bite. It's kind of a bitch to heat up because you need to actually stir it. I didn't expect this from the cuisine. An extra step, I mean c'mon. I guess it's to mix the five cheeses and further build up the anticipation of something delicious.

             Come to think of it all this is good for one of those nights when you need the opposite of a cleanse. When you need to decimate the temple you call a body and let it know you're in charge. After the movie wraps up and you're wiping your tears because 'Bruiser's Bill' is just so inspiring try to go straight to sleep. No brushing your teeth and forget any ideas you had of sex, no matter how adorable the guy who fed you the rigatoni is. Trust. 

            When you wake up and brush your teeth, take your morning walk, and wonder what the hell you were thinking last night. Spot the carnage of the night before and quickly hide the remnants and maybe apologize to your boyfriend for putting him through that. Then the healing can begin and sex. Have sex.