Delicious. This was absolutely delicious, for one bite. The first bite was amazing, tasting the scrumptious five cheeses and the 'sweet tomato sauce'. Merely made me eager in anticipation for the next bite. Which was only just as disappointing as it was originally delicious. Bland, lame and sorely lack luster. It did help, though, that I never had to actually feed myself and a handsome gentleman feed me every bite; made it a little distracting to focus on the flavor, if you'd call it flavor!
Again, it was on sale (who would buy a lean cuisine full price?!?!?) thus is it was a delight to purchase such shame with less money than it would normally cost cost. The frugal snacker is the wise snacker.
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Basic Nutrition Facts:
Calories: 350
Fat: 9g
Fiber: 4g
Protein: 15g
Sodium: 650mg
Carbs: 51g
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Preferred Beverage: Beer; the most calorie laden, shame inducing beer
you can find. If you're not feeling bloated after a
couple sips you're doing it wrong.
Proper Attire: If you have someone feeding you this; and you're
probably feeling bloated / disgusting from the
beer it's probably best to not limit yourself by a
waistband. Let your freak flag fly and consume
in the buff! Increased comfort and ample
opportunity to seduce your partner. If your eating
alone it's still advisable to dine sans clothes
because red sauce stains and we don't need to add
to the collection of stains in our favorite sweats.
Cinema: Legally Blonde 2. Don't ask, just do it. It's one of
those terrible movies that makes you feel good and
you don't know why. Don't question it just let it
happen. It's like ice cream without the calories.
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To do this right you have to follow every step. First, have a very stressful day, at work, school, finding high calorie beer, whatever. Second, go to your favorite Chinese restaurant and order the most Americanized, horrible, version of 'sesame' chicken or 'orange' chicken; the less authentic the better. Eat. Try to enjoy; but eat so fast you neglect to note that what you're eating is 75% breading and 25% chicken.
Let it all settle in your stomach and if it you did it right you'll be hungry in an hour. This is when you start drinking the beer. Once you've had 2 beers you'll almost be too full to move. Heat up the Rigatoni and savor the first bite. It's kind of a bitch to heat up because you need to actually stir it. I didn't expect this from the cuisine. An extra step, I mean c'mon. I guess it's to mix the five cheeses and further build up the anticipation of something delicious.
Come to think of it all this is good for one of those nights when you need the opposite of a cleanse. When you need to decimate the temple you call a body and let it know you're in charge. After the movie wraps up and you're wiping your tears because 'Bruiser's Bill' is just so inspiring try to go straight to sleep. No brushing your teeth and forget any ideas you had of sex, no matter how adorable the guy who fed you the rigatoni is. Trust.
When you wake up and brush your teeth, take your morning walk, and wonder what the hell you were thinking last night. Spot the carnage of the night before and quickly hide the remnants and maybe apologize to your boyfriend for putting him through that. Then the healing can begin and sex. Have sex.
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