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| It should probably look like this |
First of all I need you to go fix yourself some hot chocolate. Don't skimp out on 'sugar free' or 'low sugar' or any of the generic brands you can find. I'm talking about the good stuff. Premium hot chocolate. Milk, aways use milk because it's 99 times superior to water in any chocolate beverage. Lastly, place a few marshmallows in there to make it extra special; whipping cream for those who felt
even more risque.(Cough, schnapps, anyone?) Are we ready now, can we have a chat?
Let's start off with a little background info. Lately my life has been interesting. Introspective and heavily lacking in lean cuisine. I became a terrible student, friend, and an even worse boyfriend. My exceptionally high standards for myself and how I interact in society had slipt. Feeling sad and irritable at the drop of a hat or the slamming of a cupboard (they prefer to be gently closed). Irrational and weird behaviors were creeping up on me. It was a slow rolling cloud that was only accruing more negativity and pressure. Anxiety. Depression. It needed to disappear.
I took it upon myself to banish this cloud before anything could happen. No! Cloud, go away! I tried exercising more, eating healthier (lol!), and tried to vent/ communicate what I was feeling to my boyfriend and some friends. It only came off as nagging and bitchy comments. It was unpleasant and I felt bad about what I had said/ done but only until I unraveled myself from the cloud's embrace.
Feeling defeated by the inability of my fabulous relaxation techniques I learned from a class to fully banish this cloud I sought out a therapist. Upon talking to her she quickly sought out a psychotherapist (I knew I had a problem but..). This psychotherapist quickly prescribed a mood stabilizer. Apprehensively, I conceded and began taking it.
Glorious. The clouds seemed to part and I could be me again. I felt better(ish) and was less of a twat to everyone around me.... especially my lovely boyfriend who had the privilege to see the worst of it all and was gracious enough to not slap me. Alas, every story has a twist or some version thereof. I recently went back to said psychotherapist for a follow up.
I may have forgot to mention Panic Attacks. They happen and it's super special..... I mentioned to my therapist I was feeling better but the attacks seemed to worsen and I hated it and I try everything to avoid them. Tried meditating, relaxing, counting, and distracting myself, they all just prolonged the inevitable... That feeling when you need to cry but can't. It's horrible; so why not just cry and get it out? I developed this philosophy for the panic. Just get it over with and try to move on. Just let it happen. I described this to the psychotherapist.
The psychotherapist was quick to prescribe more meds (yay?). I asked about alternatives and what I could do that didn't involve any more medication, who wants to be that person? Ultimately, she told me they were excellent fixes for short term relief and then we can work on long term goals sans medications; this was her selling point for them. So long as she would continue to provide me with information on these alternatives and working on them with me.
So feeling rather introspective after a wondrous cuddle/ (nap... its 2 am) session with le boyfriend I decided to gather my thoughts and shower. Whenever I'm about to enter the shower, feeling pensive, I anticipate some amazing euphony to happen. Euphoria! Just kidding! The only thing I could come up with was that why were they so ready to prescribe? Her pen blazed across the paper as soon as the lethargic printer regurgitated the necessary paperwork. The therapist didn't even bat an eye. I felt like she should have gotten to know me more. Figure me out. Knowing more about my life story than what I could briefly recapitulate in less than an hour. Who knows, maybe this is the right path to take. I want to be a better, happier, healthier person (if not for me for my amazing boyfriend and siblings) so are these medications right for me... for us?
There's only one way to find out. I shall attempt to stay positive for what the future beholds (less drugs!) because life is a pretty exciting thing when you get down to thinking about it all! A quote that, for some reason inspires me, "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling." -Inception.
Darling, thats what gets me. Darling.
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