Trenta Tragedy

Trenta Tragedy

Recently I was reminded by a dear friend that wine, does in fact, fit into the trenta cups from our beloved Starbucks®. This, also, got me remembering that I've always desired a day where I fill said cup up and see what happens. It happened.

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I decided to go with a more 'summery' pinot noir because I didn't want to drink an entire bottle of something heavy. Plus when I asked the nice lady at the liquor store she said it was 'seductive'. I wanted my taste buds seduced. The choice was also further influenced by the fact I couldn't pronounce the name and, allegedly, a baron is the owner of the winery. It pretty much sold itself ($8).

Firstly, I had to verify the rumors. The trenta does, in fact, fill an entire bottle of wine. This is perfect. I mean, who doesn't want to carry/ drink an entire bottle of wine, discretely. I can only imagine the possibilities. Going to kids' soccer games, business meetings, or even going to classes with, the ideas are endless. No one would be the wiser that you're drinking wine. They'd be like "Oh! Yeah the new drink from Starbucks!" and if they dare to ask for a sample just say "No!" harshly because you don't want to share germs or some bullshit. If someone accuses you of drinking wine you can just lie and be all "Who, in their right mind, would drink wine from a Starbucks cup? Where would I get one?" and casually stumble away. Just don't leave the bottle in a place easily noticeable. Anyway I have to take a nap because, whole. Bottle. Of. Wine. 

First Meal

Taco Bell's New A.M. Crunchwrap

        Yes, it's the dawning of a new age where Taco Bell now serves breakfast or as they dub it 'first meal'! My, first meal indeed! If you haven't recently woken up from a night of regrets or as the cool kids call it 'partying' you need to get yourself to the nearest club and order yourself $100 worth of drinks! Okay, maybe like $200 because, realistically, nowadays only $100 will get a girl tipsy and we need white-girl-wasted for this. 

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        Waking up from 'partying' or making a series of regrettable decisions you'll need to fully assess the situation. Where are your clothes (anyone who parties wakes up naked), where are you? Is your wallet/ purse around? Do you have any smaller bills? You should have some smaller bills because any self respecting bartender would sooner mock you than be handed a one for a tip. If you're truly clever you'd have gotten your slut on with some rando and then forced him to give you "cab fair" in which you turned around and made out with another rando whom obviously offered you a ride back home (DON'T INVITE HIM UP, gross). Stumble out of the car but coherently enough he doesn't need to offer you any unnecessary assistance aka a reason to have sex with you. That isn't what this is about. 

         So, find yourself the next morning half naked on the couch preferably with a slice of pizza somewhere near your face. Immediately wake up and announce your decrepit state to your cats, or in my case my brother's cats. They inevitably hear your feeble cries. Announce you need food and if your brother loves you or your cats know any better they'll suggest the new A.M. Crunchwrap. Proceed to Taco Bell 10 minutes before they stop serving breakfast, I think it's 9, wtf. We probably should try the 'new' drink: Mountain Dew mixed with orange juice. Just kidding, we don't completely hate ourselves! Do the Dew.

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         I don't even know how to describe the A.M. Crunchwrap. I don't even know what's inside it. The only thing I can answer for sure is that it's magical. Glorious. And probably disgusting if you ate this on a regular basis or any right state of mind. These are guidelines, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life; go ahead and be disgusting I'll judge you from afar and know that I'm secretly envious. I feel that, as people, we build artificial fences. Fences we cannot cross. Walls we find impenetrable. There is literally no explanation as to why we've built these monstrosities. It's a rule. We don't question it. Mountain Dew and orange juice for breakfast? Rule: we cannot consume this. (On the grounds it's probably disgusting; but work with me here there's a larger metaphor). Why not? Why can't we be disgusting? I might have said I never eat Taco Bell; but those were just words and you'll probably find me there Sunday mornings, church. There's no law in effect that says I shall be put to death for stuffing my face with the morning Crunchwrap! Albeit their food, arguably, is a death sentence to your bowels. To this is proclaim, Mr. Hungover, tear down those walls and eat that A.M. Crunchwrap, drink that Mountain Dew and orange juice (don't) and no longer allow yourself to be limited by those artificial restraints you've conceived. In other words grow a pair and don't be a pussy. 

Meatballs.

Meatballs.

It's been a long time coming; but who doesn't love a good dinner party. I mean only good can happen when you combine food, friends, wine and a fireplace. Okay, a fireplace probably isn't necessary for a dinner party but realistically it is, it really is. Any practical person knows that hosting your own dinner party would be hellacious so you'll need to persuade one of your fireplace-owning-large-kitchened-friends. Once they've agreed upon a time you can then further lure them into the food preparations; make sure it's something delicious. Meatballs. Meatballs are one of the greatest creations the Italians gave us, right next to pizza. They're easy to make and even easier to eat.

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The best thing to do is to show up early. Normally, this is horrible advice (fashionably late). You'll need to get a head start on wine drinking so you'll be perfectly social when more guests arrive and you'll look extra polite when you offer to help cook things. DO THE MEATBALLS. They're super easy to make and everyone loves meatballs, you'll be the life of the party, which this is really about. The host should already have ingredients for making meatballs and a recipe. If not; you should probably just leave (who doesn't serve meatballs at ANY dinner party?!?). Should you stay (read brought your own ingredients) prepare them however you'd like. They're super easy to make. Toss some shit together, ball, and bake! Hor d'ouvres everyone will love!

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Once the meatballs have been finished you can retire to socialize while others slave away in the kitchen. You've done your part and any party guests you wanted to woo have been wooed. Since you've already been drinking wine you may enjoy the piano (someone who was invited inevitably should already be playing.) you may lounge fireside. Drink in hand, chat up the party guests, and wait for the main courses. Unless, of course,  you're already lurking around the meatballs secretly nabbing and stuffing your face with them when, on the off chance, no one is around. I eat meatballs like I eat cake, like someone is going to catch me. This is also an excellent way to weed out the party guests you obviously won't click with. Anyone who isn't lurking the meatballs like you are isn't worth associating with. When the dinner is finally served you'll be well acquainted with the wine menu and the party guest you most want to spend time with. Ensuring you have successful night with said guest, you'll need to sit next to them, or near them! After all a friendship solidified in the shadows of wine and meatballs isn't something to be toyed with. An eternal bond forever cemented in gluttony! Wait no less, you've some schmoozing to do! Lure one of your friends into a dinner party and ensure they'll only be inviting the finest guests!

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

Wait what? 

Kraft Mac'n'Cheese

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Anyone whose someone has had the delicious, delicious temptations of kraft. Their Mac'n'Cheese is a childhood necessity. Moreover, a life necessity. There are some days that it's absolutely pertinent to devour a pot of it's cheesy goodness. The magic kraft somehow bakes into the scrumptious cheesy powder is, what I assume, to be the 'secret' ingredient. Actually, it's crack. It's probably crack. Obviously, there are some super important steps to creating this heaven on earth. Milk is essential and only above it is the butter (nothing tops the "cheese", though). If you're an adult and you've decided to purchase a box of 'The Cheesiest' you either are A) a poor college student or B) Your boyfriend and you ended your relationship and you need  to eat your feelings. I, unfortunately, fall into the 'B' category. I don't we have to go into the nutrition aspect of it all.  We're eating this because our feelings are fatty and delicious and need to go away. But there are necessary things we should adhere to in order to perfect our self loathing and time of grieving. 

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Preferred Beverage: Something strong. If you're in college, milk is actually quite delicious with this. However, we're adults and I'd recommend devouring the entire pot of this then guzzling down a strong strawberry daiquiri. I cannot explain this. It just makes sense to me to to chug a strawberry daiquiri after ending a bowl of Mac'n'Cheese and crying over your failed relationship. Who can be sad and drink a daiquiri?!?
Proper Attire: Anything your ex has bequeathed unto you. A nice sweater? Sorry about that cheese stain. Kinky underwear? More like kinky cheese stain! That adorable shirt you accidentally spilled marinara sauce on? Adorable shirt that pairs nicely with more cheese and marinara stains. No daiquiri stains, we don't spill alcohol. 
Appropriate Cinema: Now would probably be a good time to look at all the old facebook photos of you and your beloved. Be weary, tears will probably start streaming, don't get any into the Mac'n'Cheese  or your daiquiri, best to add another stain to your clothes. Unless you're thinking they're lacking salt. Never mind, let a few drops into that daiquiri of ours... FLAVOR ENHANCER!!!

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      It's okay to be sad sometimes. Without rain would there be a 
rainbow (so gay)? Without that cheese stain you wouldn't have realized you look atrocious in yellow (everyone does). The best thing about Mac'n'cheese is that it's even better when shared(2 boxes). Invite over your best friends. Make a thanksgiving feast and an endless pitcher of daiquiris. Put on your favorite movie and gossip about all the fantastic times you had with your now-ex and laugh about their eccentricities (that way he holds his fork!). Ultimately, you'll need to realize that your relationship was just a small leg in your flight of life. You can stow away the memories in your luggage and appreciate the things he has given you. He has taught you how to be a stronger person. How to be appreciative of the qualities others' possess. Not to be such a cunt. How to  surmount live's obstacles. How to realize that the luggage you're already carrying isn't that heavy. He's taught you that there is a weight limit when you fly so you'll need to get rid of some of those memories and let them pass (or pay a hefty fee to bring them with you). Most importantly, he's given you a home. Maybe not in the literal sense, but you know you'll never leave his memories and he your's. It makes you appreciate life when you get on an especially shitty flight filled with crying babies. You'll be able to look upon that amazing flight you once took and look forward to flying first class once again. So down that daiquiri and appreciate where you are. You're alive. You're young. You've had far too much Mac'n'cheese. So, buck up, champ, your late for your next flight!

Remember -if you can hear yourself singing the music isn't loud enough

Starbucks' Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato

Starbucks, our patron saint, mother of propriety, caffeinated beverages, goddess of overpriced indulgences -serves this delicious delicacy. 

The Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato. 

So, you're stranded somewhere in LA (dear friend has personal business to attend to) what do we do? I, also, might add that you're flat ass broke and the only money you have has  been loaded to your Starbucks app from a gift card your boyfriend has in Texas (thank god for this app, am I right?!). I decided it was absolutely necessary to sit down at the only place that would accept my currency and enjoy my last few hours in LA as any decent person would (engaged in my gadgets ignoring the gorgeous weather). I might also add that the cheapest car in the parking lot before me is a Lexus from 2010. It all adds to the ambiance of things. Los Angeles is a pretty marvelous place, full of ambitious, lazy, people and money. Lots and lots of money. Hey, lady with the minivan you can't park there!
Anyway the Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato is the perfect way to wholly take in LA and all it's grandeur. 

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Nutrition Facts:

• Calories: 230
• Total Fat: 6g
• Carbs: 34g
• Protein: 10g
• Sugars: 31g
• Caffeine: 150mg

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Preferred Beverage: Now, naturally, this is the preferred beverage. You need to splurge the $4.25 and go grande... Don't go a size up and waste all of your spending allowance  but enough to 'treat' yourself to the LA lifestyle. 

Proper Attire: Something snazzy. You need to look good. C'mon you're in LA sitting next to twin Range Rovers and someone's Mercedes. If you're flying soon you need to look like you mean business (so no one will talk to you on the airplane) *Airport tip; walk with purpose; even if you're 3 hours early; power stomp wherever you go and be fabulous about it, even to the little boys/girls room. 

Appropriate Cinema: Iphone or Macbook. Find something to do and don't look up. Walking, sitting, car accident, sunset, Jesus, don't look up. I cannot stress this enough; to blend with the 'locals' just don't do it. If you want to be exceptionally obnoxious you can put your white (read Apple) earbuds in and listen to some indie-hipster-shit-music or as I preferred 'She Wolf' by David Guetta (Obsessed, repeat) No body needs to know you're not listening to the latest sounds of 'Bag of Cats' and 'Jingling Change'.

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Now that you're wholly engaged in constantly checking Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr on all your expensive Apple gadgets you can finally enjoy your Iced Grande Caramel Macchiato (if you don't want it looking like the picture above you can order it 'upside down' and they'll stir it for you). It's a tantalizing beverage and would pair perfectly with peppermint schnapps or Bailey's (what coffee drink wouldn't, though), that is if you were able to acquire some before you spent all your money on that sale item from the American Apparel Warehouse. The drink, itself, faintly tastes of coffee. Those that loathe the coffee flavor would be delighted. I would dub it an introductory beverage to those who want a full blown caffeine addiction; albeit expensive to drink all the time, but Hey! LA! It also contains enough milk, sugary-delight, and caffeine to fulfill any missed meals and give you the drive to power through the day. 

Sadly, I just realized, while everyone was busy ordering iced drinks on this beautiful day we're supposed to drink them within the confines of the warm buildings. We're 'locals', remember, we hate the outdoors and anything below 80º (Fahrenheit) is 'cold'. Lets blog about it. 

My writing is perfect; so I don't need to proofread.